Opened the door to use the womens restroom and found this… Which one do I choose?
| — | Lil Wayne (via styleandsubstance) (via thecrazybeautiful) |
I am on a 30 day personal hell kick. I have no licence which means I can’t drive my car! So in turn I am going to use this as my chance to start walking, running, jogging, and to eat a bit on the better side.
Day one was going to walmart and getting the food I needed to make this whole thing turn out a little bit better.
Day two will be to make some awesome grilled salmon or chicken tonight with brown rice and some veggies. =] I can’t wait to get home and make some dinner.
I can already see it in my head. Can’t wait.
Wish me luck on this journey.
I model. I love photography. I love tattoos. Is there a way to combine all three??
Yep. I am. Love it.
effin great. Boyfriend is already mad at me and says “what is your problem”
All because I didnt give him a detailed answer on the message sent about a FUCKING CAR…
WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT A FUCKING CAR.
I KNOW I DON’T.
Some women are just born to shine. Its sickening when you live in a small town, and you see other girls keep going up and above you. I have always been a tomboy and for some reason not been SUPER worried about having my nails done, my hair dyed at the first sign of roots showing or worried about a little dirt under my nails, Now that I am picking up on my modeling I need to start worring about the stupid little things, which sucks… I simply don’t have time to be “superficial” so for me this is difficult for me to “turn into that”
Don’t get me wrong though, I do love me some designer bags and I love going shopping but its normally for stuff in black and always tees and jeans. Never overly dressy shirts because I dont go out enough and when I do, its never in a dress because I dont want to be overdressed, so what to do ya know???
There is one thing I decided I am going to do for myself though. I have been thinking about it for about 6 years now and now am finally getting the motivation to do it. I have talked to some about it and they all tell me the same thing, wait, don’t do it yet, what if you don’t like it, you can’t change it once you do it, this that and the other, but I want them, it’s only 4k and I would rather get it out of the way now then worry…
I think I will do the consultation with some doctors and then I will see where it goes. I will see whose doing it for the price I want, granted price should not be the only factor but I have seen some friends who got implants and ended up paying almost 7 for them to look like shit and other friends who paid 3500 and they look amazingggggg… So its a toss up. but they always say to see more than one doctor. So indeed I am. Window shop till I get a good one. good big but not too big, you want them to be noticable but not crazy retarded looking. so Im all in.
TIME TO WINDOW SHOP. I want to do this by my bday.
May 29th. Need to have some cash saved and see where this goes.
With Christmas coming closer I have a wishlist that is just getting longer…
So now is the time to write my wish list i guess. So here goes the best of em.
Piercings : Belly Button, My nose and maybe my nipples.
Tattoos: Foot Tattoo, Side tattoo, back of the neck maybe?
Surgery: Breast Implants, nose made smaller
Motor Vechicles: Big Lifted Chevy Truck, 4X4 fourwheeler.
ok I think thats about it for now.
Maybe have my car painted…but otherwise I seriously think im ok. for now.
With a few things on my mind, I am starting to realize i need to do somethings for me.
Gym membership with Chris
Diet pills to supress my eating
New camera on ebay.
So maybe writing about this will make me feel better about all of this… I doubt it, but hell what do I have to lose in trying.
I don’t like this feeling. Not at all. I feel like I can’t be myself because I keep letting things get in the way of my happiness. I watch every step I make because I’m scared my boyfriend will dump me because of something I say or do. I am so not myself anymore. I always morph into what someone wants me to be for fear of making them hate me, and what part of me is like that. What happened to the girl who used to not care? who used to do what made her happy? who loves to be in a relationship because I get to spoil someone but now wonders would being single be better? FUCK ALL OF THIS. God Im sitting here in tears because the only one who is suffering is me. No one knows about my silent pain. No one sees it because I do my best to put on this fake smile, when all I want to do is put a gun to my head and end it all.
I want to start over, I want to move and have to meet new pple and not have the drama from Melbourne, not have to have my boyfriend keep things from me. Have people around me who love me, not just say they care. I want to feel accepted. I want to feel loved and I don’t feel that from anyone. I feel like I am such a huge burden to so many people and that sucks. I need to go to the beach and just lay there. cry all this out.
God please grant me the sanity to fix the holes in my heart, give me the strength to walk away from the things I need to. Please help me find somewhere to go when shit hits the fan. Give me the wisdom to know when enough is enough. and above all please keep me from doing something stupid, like saying something I will regret
I am starting to feel a little better. still need to make a drive. Chris is prolly gonna think Im stupid all night.
I need to be alone.
